Finding Your Audience

by John Berling Hardy

It is important to remember, we are not exempt from this groupthink ourselves. No matter how much we may be a out-of-the-box in our approach in one particular aspect of our lives, we are invariably conforming to the herd in others. That is all the more reason why we must actively align ourselves with those on the same wavelength. Also, preaching to those who simply will not listen, and in some sense cannot listen, is physically and mentally fatiguing. Over time it is very easy to lose one’s resolve and confidence.
 
An extension of finding your own passion is that you are most likely to connect with those who share your passion. In my case, my life long passion has been philosophy and original thinking –thinking outside-the-box. It then stands to reason that those who are mavericks or a little eccentric- artists, mathematicians, entrepreneurs- are often the ones most likely to share my passion. Conversely, those who are most closely tied to the status quo- bankers, marketing guys, border guards, etc. – are disinclined to be enthralled with my “brilliant insights”.
 
Those who do not like your message will not preface their remarks with an objective assessment of their own limitations. Instead they are more likely to challenge it by asking what evidence you have to support your conclusions, or diminish it by categorize it in some pejorative way (i.e. that’s conspiracy theory!), or they might even say, “we already do that”.
 
In the case of my mother, should I suggest that there may be flaws in the family party line, it is invariably met with the statement: “through the glass darkly”. It is very difficult to argue with blanket statements such as that. We all know that it is hard to be a prophet in one’s own land, yet it does not seem to dissuade us from trying to convert those closest to us to our way of thinking.
 
Over the years I’ve invested an incredible amount of time, energy and creativity in trying to persuade those who simply were not inclined to accept my message. In the end the most I managed to achieve was to offend or irritate a few people, while to the best of my recollection, not convincing a single one (occasionally they will pay lip service to agreeing with you in the hope that you might stop your harangue).
 
So what is the lesson in all of this? Stop wasting your precious time and energy on those who are not interested; saving your breathe for those who are receptive to what you have to say. Now the next challenge is figuring out a way to maximize the effectiveness of your message so that your audience really ‘gets’ what you have to offer.

Finding Your Audience

As a speaker, even finding your passion doesn’t guarantee success. Your passion is not necessarily an easy sell. The more original or out of the box your idea, the more resistance with which it is likely to meet. This is in part because of a kind of groupthink which pervades society. This is not meant to discourage you, but to get you psychologically prepared for what lies ahead.
 
It is important to remember, we are not exempt from this groupthink ourselves. No matter how much we may be a out-of-the-box in our approach in one particular aspect of our lives, we are invariably conforming to the herd in others. That is all the more reason why we must actively align ourselves with those on the same wavelength. Also, preaching to those who simply will not listen, and in some sense cannot listen, is physically and mentally fatiguing. Over time it is very easy to lose one’s resolve and confidence.
 
An extension of finding your own passion is that you are most likely to connect with those who share your passion. In my case, my life long passion has been philosophy and original thinking –thinking outside-the-box. It then stands to reason that those who are mavericks or a little eccentric- artists, mathematicians, entrepreneurs- are often the ones most likely to share my passion. Conversely, those who are most closely tied to the status quo- bankers, marketing guys, border guards, etc. – are disinclined to be enthralled with my “brilliant insights”.
 
Those who do not like your message will not preface their remarks with an objective assessment of their own limitations. Instead they are more likely to challenge it by asking what evidence you have to support your conclusions, or diminish it by categorize it in some pejorative way (i.e. that’s conspiracy theory!), or they might even say, “we already do that”.
 
In the case of my mother, should I suggest that there may be flaws in the family party line, it is invariably met with the statement: “through the glass darkly”. It is very difficult to argue with blanket statements such as that. We all know that it is hard to be a prophet in one’s own land, yet it does not seem to dissuade us from trying to convert those closest to us to our way of thinking.
 
Over the years I’ve invested an incredible amount of time, energy and creativity in trying to persuade those who simply were not inclined to accept my message. In the end the most I managed to achieve was to offend or irritate a few people, while to the best of my recollection, not convincing a single one (occasionally they will pay lip service to agreeing with you in the hope that you might stop your harangue).
 
So what is the lesson in all of this? Stop wasting your precious time and energy on those who are not interested; saving your breathe for those who are receptive to what you have to say. Now the next challenge is figuring out a way to maximize the effectiveness of your message so that your audience really ‘gets’ what you have to offer.
 
Finding Your Voice

Experts say that our communication is 70% body language, 23% tone, and 7% words. Intuitively that would lead us to conclude that the best way to improve our communication would be through changing, somehow improving, our body language. The problem is that if we do this in isolation, the results look stilted and comical- conjuring up the image of a bad silent film actor. This is because our body language is a reflection of our inner mental state. It makes much more sense to change our inner state, and then let the outer representation take care of itself.
 
Here once again, when we try too hard to make ourselves feel confident, or optimistic, we very often achieve the opposite effect. It is like someone beside you at a party telling you to be happy-nothing is less likely to improve your mood.
 
So if our body language is a derivative of our mental state, what is our mental state a derivative of? In the long run I would suggest it is connected to our passion and audience. If we’re talking about something we care deeply about, to people who we care deeply about, it’s hard for us to go wrong.
 
Next we have the verbal message. Many of us when we wish to become better communicators will spend a lot of time on the vocabulary of our message. We will expand our vocabulary or try to tailor it to our audience. The one thing that we almost never do is examine the tone of our message. Most of us have no idea whatsoever how we sound to others. The only thing we hope and pray for is that others find the sound of our voices more appealing than we do ourselves.
 
My friend Jay Miller, a well respected speaking coach, helped me immeasurably in this regard by helping me to become aware of the tone of the message I was conveying. As with all things of value it is not easy work and can be a little discouraging at first. But after a very short amount of time, you will experience those around you reacting very differently to what you have to say. You will begin to notice that people are not just listening to what you are saying, they are really resonating with your message, engaging with it fully.
 
This then starts a positive feed-back loop . As you see others reacting positively to you, you start liking them more, and become more confident that they are going to “get” what it is you have to say. This then leaks into your body language making the entire package of your communication that much more effective.
 
After a short time the conversation starts to take on a life of its own. you feel like you are part of a magical process which is just happening by itself. Then you marvel at how something so simple should have eluded you for so long.

This is the type of communication that people normally associate with the early days of a passionate love affair. How exciting to know that it is available to us each and every day should we choose to open ourselves to it.

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Filed under Personal Development and posted on 07 December 2009